Uncharted Territory

Hello Readers,

I'm not sure how many read these posts, but it DOES help me to be able to put my thoughts down in writing.  If you have been reading these, I hope that my thoughts and experiences help YOU in some way also.  Your feedback / comments are always welcomed.

My journey is one that ranges from euphoria to despair and everywhere in between.  The only constant in my life is God.   It is true that God never changes... He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  I'm thankful that God is always there for me regardless what my experience is in life.

Since January 2007, I entered personal uncharted territory.  My earthly experience has gotten worse since then reaching a climax on August 13th, 2008 and I have seen definite changes taking place in my life regarding my outlook, hopes, dreams, decisions, plans, desires and general psychological and physical well-being.

I have seen an erosion taking place in my relationships largely due to the struggles I have had to encounter and to no small degree my responses to these struggles.  Even though I don't doubt that my friends and family love me and care about me, yet I feel a sense of paranoia growing within me which is screaming out for greater affirmation from others.  It's hard to explain, but it's like my "head" knowledge and my "heart" knowledge are at odds with each other and there is an inner battle taking place.  The fight rages on but I truly am growing weary and wonder how much fight I have left to withstand whatever lies ahead.

My wonderful wife has been a stronghold for me and I would hate to think what state I would be in right now if I didn't have her unconditional love and support.  She herself has her own health issues to tend to and yet she stands by my side as we travel this journey together.  I am very concerned for HER well-being as well.  We BOTH continue to support one another and stand by each other as we have now for nearly 35 years throughout the good times and bad times.  God no doubt has been her strength and has sustained her as we have traveled this latest difficult road.

As I stated earlier, I am becoming weary, confused, somewhat paranoid and unsure about my life's purpose.  One thing I know is that God is there for me.  He seems to be silent these days.  Nothing seems to make sense.  Yet, I know in my heart that God will make a way.  I wish He would answer the question "Why?".   I wonder what lessons he wants me to learn?   As I sit here a phrase continues to go through my mind that "the battle is not mine but God's".  Although that may be true, it doesn't minimize the struggle and misfortune that my wife and I have had to endure these past 2 1/2 years.  There is no end in sight.  It's like I'm going through a long dark tunnel, so dark that I cannot even see the hand in front of my face.

Well, I guess I've rambled long enough.  I know God holds the answer.  The problem is, His answer is slow in coming.  I will continue to seek God's will in all of this.  Maybe one day, I will understand.

If you have read to this last sentence, thank you for listening.  My journey continues.

John